When i paid for an 18 month subscription at the gym i felt and thought a number of things:
Oh i have not committed to anything like this since i enrolled in university in 2002, even that demanded a 4 month subscription each go!
I really am not comfortable committing to anything that forces me or suggests plans so far into the future.
How do i know that i will be going to the gym for so long, to this gym here.
Oh, i really am staying.
Maybe i should accept the notions: "are you here now?" "are you back?" "did you leave amrika for good?"
I do not want to negotiate gym attendance because of subscription. I want to be able to go to the gym the following morning after i arrive from a trip and not be lazy about it because i can save money on a postponed subscription while i rest after a trip.
I am serious about my commitment to physical activity. This has been good for me. This has been working.
I feel like a lab rat when i am on the treadmill. Nothing novel here.
It is okay, when in Amman this is what physical activity looks like.
How presumptuous, to plan so far into the future.
Is it a jinxing act, will everyone die in horrible car accidents?
Wow so much money! But it is a good deal, when i will look back at it 18 months later.
Good deals tempt fate.
It is just a fucking gym subscription.
90 day freeze policy is one of the benefits of the one-year subscription, they know we need a fate leeway. smart.
I do not think this is all a reflection of fear, a fear of commitment, fear of spending money or fear of failure as quick examples, i think it is a hesitancy that reflects a way in which i want to do things. I want to be as less rooted as possible. But why? Oh is that still fear of commitment?
I want to be light.
This is akin to my feelings when i look for flight tickets, always with anxiety and tension as to what is the best deal for me out there. Am i making the right decisions? Decisions regarding matters that range from where do i want to be to who am i to is this the right time to travel (will anyone die while i am away?) and is this the right ticket for me? As i said, when i am looking for tickets i realise again that if i wanted choice, if i wanted to be light to the commitment i have to pay for it. something about the ticket being cheaper (lodging and car rentals too) if you book way in advance made planning ahead of time seem like a better thing, like the right thing.
Cheaper because these companies make money because so many of us who commit way too early fail to go and lose it all and the airline can then allow on the guy who booked a seat from the overbooked pile.
This is not exactly poetic.
Companies bet on fate.
Companies bet on undelivered promises and failed plans and lazy bastards who do not go the gym.
Failing to make the trip planned so ahead of time or going to the gym on Wednesday May 13th 2020 is okay. It is not in itself a good thing or a bad thing, it only feels sour because we paid for it.
Thankfully, my new gym subscription will only start when i get back. I will not lose the 2 weeks between the end of my 6-month (+1 month freeze) subscription and 1 year (+ 3 months extra and 90 day freeze) subscription.
My response to you is a map of how my body has been living over the years.
Weight: 42-44 kg
Special conditions: braces, Gulf War, moved to a new country, transferred from an all girl school to a mixed school, went to university, started smoking.
Weight: 54 kg
Special conditions: appetite enhancing pills, first love, graduation from university, parent divorce first time, lost my grandmother.
Weight: 54-58 kg
Special conditions: entered university again, graduation from university, worked, parents back together, lived in three different countries, almost got married but didn’t, the birth of the art space, met my soul partner.
Weight: 58-62 kg
Special conditions: fell in love with my work, moved to a new country, peak of traveling to new places, went to university again, parent divorce second time, peak of meeting and connecting with new people, still smoking, drowning incident.
Weight: 62-65 kg
Special conditions: revolutions started, graduated from university, the disease found my father, lost my centre, lost two dear people to my heart, ended the art space.
Weight: 62-70 kg
Special conditions: stopped smoking, went on a road trip, found my centre, moved countries, faced death, faced fear, new deep connections, my voice got louder, fell in love with my work.
Age 44 year and 9 months
Weight: 65.2 kg
Special conditions: got close to the sea, faced my biggest pain, i am in the moment, renewed old commitments, got better at not accepting but love. I am in love all the time.
P.S. In case you were wondering about the animals, check this: