note#21: so that i dont forget
It’s almost eight months now. We started with snow and now we are sweating. My constant worry is that i will forget, what if i go back to my life before the road trip and forget all the daily fantastical simple dreams and hopes of the road trip? The deep feelings of getting very close to what i want and how i want it, to being very honest with myself, to seeing very closely what makes sense and what does not, what’s real and what’s conditioned and fabricated. I already feel that i am forgetting, everyday brings a new surprise, a new hardship, a new disappointment that takes away from some of what i want to remember.
For now, this is what i want to remember:
1- feeling lost is a constant, it’s an instinct, it’s who we are, it only gets numbed by things (distractions) like taking care of family, wars, raising children, falling in love, going to school, immigration, illness, age, money.
2- things are out of my control.
3- changing habits is not that hard.
4- all i want to do is create spaces of intimacy, i don’t know anything, but i know that this is what i love to do and i am good at.
5- spaciousness is necessary.
6- to learn and keep learning, and once i stop wanting to learn then i know it’s the end.
7- coping is an instinct too, we are all coping, no one is better than the other.
8- i no longer want to be in high consumption structures.
9- listening to birds early in the morning has changed me.
10- all relationships are bound to change, and that is a good thing.
11- i no longer want to look for a home or the meaning of it.
13- i want to want less.
14- one dream is to create a network for queer arab women that will kick ass.
15- i love all the relationships and connections i have.
16- my heart is my weapon.
17- i accept death.
18- music, i always dreamt of making and playing music and being surrounded by people who make music, i’ve been trying since i was 9. It got interrupted by the death of my tutor, by war, by disappointment, by lack of confidence, by life. But i want to keep trying. I will keep trying.
19- i believe there are aliens, because my brother does.
20- my hardest relationship is with my father, it’s always been and it will always be.
21- my mother has protected me all along, how do i do my best to protect her?
22- i want to stay away from crowds and loudness and fastness.
23 - water is my home.
24- i accept that everybody around me is feeling down, lost and helpless. Otherwise i would think they/we have all gone mad.
25- no complaints, more thank yous.
26- my continuous struggle is the liberation from patriarchy in all its forms.