note #12: goodbye my love

Goodbye my love

I bid you farewell

We may meet again

And we may not.

I have come to love you deeply. I feel it, confirmed by the ache of a separation, in my stomach. My throat hurting against the restrained sobs. My heart overflows and i giggle in front of your beauty. I remember when we first met and i was confused in my attraction and in my fear, excited and careful coming closer to you and feeling you. For you, i was almost completely visceral. When i was with you, i surrendered to you, relished in your greatness, wished to be taken as a moment in your timelessness, a member of your congregation. You offered me new horizons, changing landscapes. You redefined breathing for me.

I fell in love.

We met under the skies, joined by the winds, through freeze, snow, rain, fog, and sun. engulfed in wet. Perfumed by juniper and fir. Witnessed by juncos, robins and ravens. Surrounded by the seen and unseen creatures and offered the platform of untold stories.

I was not always open to you, i am aware of that. Sometimes i stayed away, sometimes i came to you fully. There were times when i could not stay very long, when it was painful or uncomfortable or i had other things to do. You were always there. But you were each time different. Sometimes really cold and mysterious, other times open and welcoming, always breathtaking. The more i got to know you, the more there was to find out about you and now i have to leave and our short love affair has only allowed me a glimpse of you.

I do not really have to go. I could stay.

I do not know how.

There will always be other loves. Before during after. Layered tangled independent. Like i am changed by every love, I am changed by you. I have been shaped by you. So is the story of love. Even as I move away from you, where my feet take me, what my eyes tell me, the nature of breath and sun are new. Because of you.

At some point i will forget. I will forget how you changed me. I may even forget you. This makes my loss even greater in anticipation. But it is forever, that is my confession, my love for you (dare i say our love, did you love me?) interfered in the chemistry of me, the muscle and blood, there is no going back. The awareness of this emotion maybe fleeting, but the reality of it, even when forgotten, will always be.